Emergency Back Surgery

Hello friends. Bad news. After a visit with the Radiologist and Bone and Joint doctors today, I have been scheduled for emergency back surgery on Monday. Most of my lower disc has blown out from between my vertebra and is applying a ton on pressure on the nerves going into my right  hip and leg. I guess my reflex is dead in my right leg. Oh Joy! So, Dr. Jenkins is going to clean out of my spinal column the nasty floaters to relieve the pressure from my nerves.

Good news is, Doctor Jenkins thinks I should be back to normal in a few months. He tells me I should be dancing and ice skating in due time. That was a relief to hear. More good news is that the surgery is in Laramie, where I can be surrounded by friends and family. If you're a Laramie friend (or cousin, or aunt, or brother), maybe you could stop by and see me Monday night in the hospital. I can't promise I'll be looking my best, but I would appreciate the encouragement.

Truth be told, I'm scared. The only surgery I've had is oral surgery. I wouldn't even let the dentist give me laughing gas when he removed my wisdom teeth. That's how terrified I am of anthesis. Besides that, I feel mortified at the thought of lying naked and unconscious on a table surrounded by nurses and doctors. I've never been unconscious for any reason other than sleep.

Some more good news: God is still sovereign. He is my good shepherd (Psalm 23). He will never leave me nor forsake me (Duet. 31:8). He will give me beauty for ashes and strength for fear (Isaiah 61:3). "The Lord God is my strength, and He will make my feet like hinds feet and He will make me to walk upon mine high places"(Habakkuk 3:19).

I don't think it was an accident that I just finished "Hinds Feet on High Places" yesterday. That book has become a great source of comfort and inspiration to me. For I am so broken and crippled and afraid. Emotionally, mentally, and now physically. Just like Much-Afraid from Hannah Hurnard's little allegory, I have been laid waste. But let it be for the glory of God. "Thou He slay me, yet will I hope in Him...." (Job 13:15).

"He has brought me here when I did not want to come for his own purpose. I, too, will look up into his face and say, 'Behold me! I am thy little handmaiden Acceptance-with-Joy' "(Hurnard, pg. 91).

Please pray for me. I'm beginning to realize that when I am slipping into fear and despair and pain, that it is probably the prayers of the saints that keep me from letting go of either God or life. Pray with me please, and "keep asking" with me, that "the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give me the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that I may know him better" (Ephesians 1:17). Pray that when I am put under the blanket of sleep that I would dream of Him.

Offended by God

Proverbs 19:3 says that "A man's own folly ruins his life, yet his heart rages against the LORD." How well I know that precept. Ashamed to admit, I let deep anger and hatred for God well up inside me and let it almost destroy my life. I hated God for pain and suffering. I despised God for my very existence, and not only mine, but for the existence of the entire messed up world and its inhabitants. I was not satisfied with pat answers. This clay said to the Potter:

"Why have you made me? Not only me, but why did you make mankind? In your omniscience you knew that we would eat of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. You knew the descendents of Noah would be just as wicked as the generation you destroyed in the flood. Why did you spare even one? Were you not perfect within yourself? Did you not have perfect union within yourself? Why create a people doomed for failure?"

It is questions like these that have led others to proclaim "God is dead"--at least the Judaic-Christian concept of the omnibenevolent, omniscient, omnipotent God. But as angry and frustrated as my intellect gets, I know to deny God's existence is foolishness. "The fool says in his heart, 'There is no God'"(Psalm 53:1). "For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse" (Romans 1:20).

God offends the intellect. He defies the god of Western logic. So we rage against God and shake our fist at Him, demanding answers. Usually, His answer to us is the same one He gave to Job: " 'Who is this that darkens my counsel with words without knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth's foundations. Tell me, if you understand' "(Job 38:2-4).

If we are wise, we fall at God's feet and like Job say, " 'Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know' "(Job 42:3). But because of pride, we stare into the face of God and refuse to see Him. Oh, but "where can we go from His Spirit? Where can we flee from His presence? If we go up to the heavens, He is there; if we make our bed in the depths He is there"(Psalms 139:7-8). Therefore, unpopular though it may be:

The wrath of God is being revealed from heaven against all the godlessness* and wickedness of men who suppress the truth by their wickedness, since what may be known about God in plain to them, because God made it plain to them...For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like mortal man and birds and animals (Romans 1:18-19, 21-23).

With my pride and intellectualism, I try and fit God into a box. But He will not be contained! God says and does many things that are difficult to understand and accept. While teaching in a synagogue in Capernaum, Jesus declared:

'I tell you the truth, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of Man and drink his blood, you have no life in you.'... On hearing it, many of his disciples said, 'This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?' Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, 'Does this offend you?'... From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him. 'You do not want to leave too, do you?' Jesus asked the Twelve. Simon Peter answered him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God' (John 6:53, 60-61, 66-69).

There is no question that God will offend our sense of intellectual entitlement. "For it is written: 'I will destory the wisdom of the wise; the intelligence of the intelligent I will frustrate' (1 Corinthians 1:19). But we must not turn away from God when things become impossible to understand. For what other hope do we have? There is no hope other than the hope found in Him. When I find God impossible to understand, I remember Jesus. For He alone has the words of eternal life. Therefore, in humility we must raise our voices in surrender and say, "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are your ways higher than my ways and your thoughts than my thoughts" (Isaiah 55:9).

*--italics mine

The Old Testament is Freaking Amazing!

Old Testament stories and scripture are amazing! Nothing is unbelievable for those who put their trust in Him. This he proves in so many of the stories and in so many ways in the Old Testament. As Psalm 74:13-14 sings: "Your ways, O God, are holy. What god is so great as our God? You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples."

The Great Rescue

"The Great Rescue" is a song that I started writing in Bay St. Louis, Mississippi. It was inspired by the indomitable spirit of the people of the Gulf Coast. Particularily the people of the Bay St. Louis community. It was inspired by the thousands of volunteers and relief workers who have given hours, months, and years of spirit, soul, and body to the rebuilding of lives and communities ravaged by Hurricane Katrina. The song is a thank you to volunteers. It is also a call for more volunteers to be part of a great rescue, whether it be on the Gulf Coast or elsewhere. And the song is a thank you to all the ladies at City Team Ministry's Woman's Luncheon--for making me a part of your community, if only for just a little while. And last but not least, this song is a dedication to an amazing woman named Melany Mitchell--who despite all the heartache she has suffered as the result of Hurricane Katrina, keeps a smile on her face and skip in her step. Thanks for all that you do Mel. You inspire me.

Oh, and thanks to Di Fillhart for the fabulous phrase, "The Great Rescue." And thanks to Adam Cruz for the spunk and the talent that it takes to turn an idea for a song into a late night adventure in recording. (Note: The song is a spur of the moment, late night, rough draft. Don't listen too closely!

*The above mentioned song can be found on my myspace profile. My name is Amber. Surprise! And my zip code in Gillette is 82716--that should help you find me on myspace.* 

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=78797120

Forget Not All His Benefits

I don't give thanks enough to God for the blessings he has given me. Oh, and he has given me so many. So many that I take for granted. So many that I forget about. There is a line of verse in the Psalms that has taken hold of my heart over the last few days: "and forget not all his benefits." In the midst of my pain, I more often than not forget all his benefits. I despair and fear and complain. "Oh, Lord forgive me. You know that I am but dust. You know all my sin, all my unbelief, and yet you still crown me with love and compassion!"

 I know that there is true, abudent life in Christ--life of which I must take hold of and let take hold of me. The benefits of which are immeasurably more than I could ask or imagine. It is Christ who satisfies my desires with good things. Nothing else can. But so often my eyes are cast downward in hopelessness and fear instead of raised in hope of something better. I have forgotten that Jesus has led me through the Red Sea and rescued me from my enemies. I have forgotten that he has fed me in the wilderness with bread from heaven. I have forgotten that he has been my pillar of fire by night and my cloud by day. In my hunger for the things of Egypt, I have raged against the Lord saying, "If only I had meat to eat! I remember the fish I ate in Egypt at no cost--also the cucumbers, melons, leeks, onions and garlic. But now I have lost my appetite; I never see anything but this manna!"

But God said that the promised land is a land flowing with milk and honey. However, in my unbelief, my impatience, my flesh--my heart turns away from that promised land and towards the pleasures of Egypt. So, like the Isrealites, I long to fill my belly with the things of this world, because, if only for a moment, they satisfy. But that entire generation of Isrealites (except for two men) fell in the desert because their hearts were turned towards Egypt instead of towards God's promise to them. I want to be like Caleb and Joshua. I want to believe that what God has promised--that he rewards those who earnestly seek him--He will make good on. Sure, I might wander in the desert for a little while, maybe a long while, but I will set my face like flint and believe that I will reach the promised land.

Psalm 103

    1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
       all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

    ² Praise the LORD, O my soul,
       and forget not all his benefits-

    ³ who forgives all your sins
       and heals all your diseases,

    ⁴ who redeems your life from the pit
       and crowns you with love and compassion,

    ⁵ who satisfies your desires with good things
       so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

    ⁶ The LORD works righteousness
       and justice for all the oppressed.

    ⁷ He made known his ways to Moses,
       his deeds to the people of Israel:

    ⁸ The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
       slow to anger, abounding in love.

    ⁹ He will not always accuse,
       nor will he harbor his anger forever;

    ¹⁰ he does not treat us as our sins deserve
       or repay us according to our iniquities.

    ¹¹ For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
       so great is his love for those who fear him;

    ¹² as far as the east is from the west,
       so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

    ¹³ As a father has compassion on his children,
       so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

    ¹⁴ for he knows how we are formed,
       he remembers that we are dust.

    ¹⁵ As for man, his days are like grass,
       he flourishes like a flower of the field;

    ¹⁶ the wind blows over it and it is gone,
       and its place remembers it no more.

    ¹⁷ But from everlasting to everlasting
       the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
       and his righteousness with their children's children-

    ¹⁸ with those who keep his covenant
       and remember to obey his precepts.

    ¹⁹ The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
       and his kingdom rules over all.

    ²⁰ Praise the LORD, you his angels,
       you mighty ones who do his bidding,
       who obey his word.

    ²¹ Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
       you his servants who do his will.

    ²² Praise the LORD, all his works
       everywhere in his dominion.
       Praise the LORD, O my soul.